If you were to look at the entire animal kingdom and try and decipher which species are the biggest stoners, there are a few obvious contenders that would come to mind. Whether it’s because of how slow they are, or that they look like they just finished off a blunt, certain species just look like they get lifted. Even those animals that will keep it on the down-low so as to not attract as much attention. Here’s our rundown of species in the animal kingdom that are likely to make a late-night Taco Bell Run.
To anyone who’s seen Cheech and Chong’s classic stoner flicks (which should be everyone who considers themselves a stoner), you probably know where we’re going with this. We’re talking about the lizard, of course. And no, we’re not speaking about sergeant Stedanko and how he slowly turns into a lizard from smoking weed. We’re talking bout the pet lizard that actually gets high in “Up in Smoke” and ends up becoming the sergeant’s pet in the sequel, “Nice Dreams.” It’s the perfect example of why the rough-skinned amphibians can be some of the biggest stoners around.
If you are unfamiliar with the manatee, they are aquatic animals that are also known as sea cows. They almost always have a look on their face that declares, “I wish I was smoking a joint right now.” Now, the speed at which they get things down isn’t as slow as some other animals, but they definitely prefer to take their time. Perform a Google search and you’ll find videos of them slowly rotating with huge smiles on their faces enjoying life. Despite the fact that the “lazy stoner” stereotype has been pounded into the ground, they truly embody the image. And, the fact that they can spend up to eight hours a day grazing also lends credence. The primary difference is that when they get the munchies, they primarily eat vegetation when compared to humans who tend to gorge on junk.
The next stoner of the animal kingdom, the dog, might be somewhat controversial depending on who you talk to. This all varies on the breed of dog, any training you’ve put them through, and how active you are with them. But after looking at a Bulldog, I think everyone has to agree dogs deserve a spot on this list. When you see that smile on their face as their tongue hangs down, panting, it’s exactly how stoners look whenever we get the munchies. Or how about a golden retriever and how expressive and funny they can be. With all the facial expressions they can showcase, they definitely help dogs hold their spot on this list.
With our extremely slow-moving hard-shelled friend the turtle, we’re approaching the more obvious stoner animal species. Watch the pace at which turtles move and you’ll understand why they’re near the top. They are so slow that they make the manatee look like Usain Bolt. Although they’re not as slow as our final choice for animal kingdom stoners, some of the fastest turtles top out at a speed of .25 mph. But this all depends on the size with giant tortoises moving much slower than small turtles. Very similar to how some people are able to get things done while smoking throughout the day, whereas others will tend to be lazy and not accomplish anything.
Our final pick for animal stoner would have to undoubtedly be the sloth. Look at any picture of a sloth and try and tell us otherwise. When you’re known as the slowest animal on earth, you’re bound to share some similarities with stoners. They truly epitomize the meaning of the word slow, especially when you look at the term, “sloth-like.” It’s not just the speed at which they get things done though. Their carefree expressions are not too dissimilar to that of a stoner. Turtles might come close in this nature, but sloths easily take the top spot when it comes to the top stoner animals.
There are definitely more species that came close to making this list, but we felt these were the 5 that best represented the stoners of the animal kingdom. What do you think? Are there any that we might’ve left out? Please, let us know in the comments below.